October 14, 2005

An Open Letter to the Driver of the Yellow Porsche 996

In re: our brief flirtation of several days ago, on the Eastbound Massachusetts Turnpike - there wasn't any need for petulance, surely. When we left the tollbooths and were directed into the center lane, your headlights where behind my left rear door. As far as I could tell, that indicated that I had precedence for that lane, and you would either drop behind me, or lane change into the left (passing) lane, which I made no move for, and utilize that to go around me. The fact that there was a pickup truck in that lane a few hundred feet ahead of us certainly wasn't my fault.

In any case, after I had passed that truck, who was moving rather sedately, you did, as was certainly your privilege, attempt to pass me. Again, however, I fail to see how the fact that you blew the shift that badly and ended up dropping four car lengths back after making the lane change can in any way be construed as my fault. I made no attempt to seize said lane, then or at any time afterwards. I will admit wincing in sympathy for your transmission at the sound it made.

I do understand that all BMW 5 Series E39 sedans look alike, and that black versions of said sedans are not in any way to be compared with the elegant contours, lines, or sheer panty-wetting performance specs of your chariot. I understand that BMW drivers are universally scorned as incompetent luxo-barge pilots, especially by those piloting manual-shift Porsches, and I cannot in good conscience blame that group for its opinions. I would point out, however, that the identifying '540i' is plainly visible on the right rear of my vehicle, and as such, the fact that when we reached 135 MPH you were six car lengths back cannot really be fairly laid at my feet as the result of any form of deceptive tactics, or (given the facts of the engagement as laid out above) any form of unfair maneuvering on my part. I did allow you the left lane, retaining for myself the greater chance of running up behind slower traffic.

The burst of tire smoke and car wobble you produced when you terminated our dance at that point, before vanishing into my rear view mirror, was indeed impressive. I assume you received a warning from a radar detector, and I must congratulate you on your perspicacity in realizing that given the choice between a black 540i in the center lane and a fire-engine-yellow 996 in the left lane, you were likely at greater risk from the po-po.

Given our location as approaching the underpass beneath the Shaw's market, however, and the fact that I coasted down to 75 unmolested, I thought I'd offer the suggestion that your alarm was likely the normal K-band or X-band interference from said Shaw's security/flourescent systems, rather than a speed radar.

Your evasive maneuvers were quite skillful, though.

Note: The author does not recommend this form of immature, unsafe and illegal vehicular dick-waving and is, in his few responsible moments, suitably abashed at having been goaded into the confrontation. All other times, however, he is chuffed at having defended the Marque successfully, with smooth shifts, having never lost the lead nor bobbled his track.

Posted by jbz at October 14, 2005 10:29 PM | TrackBack

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